and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
