My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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