Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
