ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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