I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
tell me about the eggs
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
