i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
