No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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