I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
