girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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