Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
