P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
