Will you blow on my dice?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
