Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
