3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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