How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
