Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
