I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
