I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
