Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What a dumb baby whore.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
