I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
