i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
