Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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