so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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