I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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