Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
