omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
