At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
