she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
