Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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