Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
