I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
