just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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