Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
