um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
