My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
