Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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