How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
