i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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