nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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