Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
