It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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