I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
