dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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