Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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