So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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