well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
