just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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