I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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