every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
