Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
