We're like a lot better than the average bears
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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