i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm always down for nudity.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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