can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
