i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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