I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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