So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
