One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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