Your tits are I can't wait for
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize