I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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