My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
