All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
