apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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